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How hard do I fight, how like a badger backed into a corner do I become, grasping for anything that will keep me separated and isolated, alone in the knowledge that nobody else is like me?

Step 3:  made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

I know I had been working with Step Four recently, but like the saying goes, “when Step Four isn’t working, go back to Step Three.”

When confronted with facts, indisputable in nature that shows where I’m wrong-sized, that’s when paranoia really comes in handy for this alcoholic. The thought, “that’s what they want me to think”, comes into play quite heavily. I can believe that there’s a whole other side to everything, and the program wants me to swallow it all down and ignore what’s really going on. Just be a big, gullible dummy, brainwashing myself with all this acceptance hokum, and let the normals continue to mock and scorn.

So I’m Keanu in the Matrix now? Is the world truly out to get me on such a grand scale? Or is it only the people I know and love; are they the ones looking to destroy me? This is why I must be alone. This is why, regardless of whether or not I stay sober, I shouldn’t be interacting with the others. It’s for your benefit that I’m regressing.

In a way, the Matrix is exactly what I’m in. A completely new and different world that expects me to behave and act within their posted guidelines. Just because I know of another world, one filled with pain and false beliefs and resentment-based behavior, doesn’t mean it’s better.

2 thoughts on “woah. terminal uniqueness.

  1. Paranoia is another form of self-centeredness. I like the matrix analogy too. But the matrix doesn’t single anyone out, not even Neo. The matrix is just there (it’s after everyone I guess), and the program shows us how to see it and deal with it. Probably best not to stretch an analogy too far.

  2. It’s all good, my friend! I understand your terminal uniqueness so that doesn’t make you as unique as you think … or I think for that matter. 🙂 Hang in there.

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