Today endth the operation. I believe it to be a success: I’ve got more self-worth than I did going into the experiment. It’s the maintaining moving forward that worries me.
Today and for the rest of this month, I’m going to learn to like myself, or die trying. I’m going to concentrate on the positive things – not in my life, but in me. I need to learn, accept and know that me, alone, is enough.
One of the surprising things to come out of Operation: Self-worth is the idea of what I deserve. For the longest time, I assumed that when something went wrong in my life, it was 100% my fault, and I deserved whatever the outcome was. This type of thinking always kept me down, depressed, hopeless.
Today, I’m starting to realize: I don’t have to put up with the shit that makes me feel bad. I can drop it like it’s hot, or, at the very least, begin moving away from it. In the past, it was all about dwelling on my shortcomings, my resentments, my failures. If someone wanted to continually stab me in the neck with a pencil, it was their right and my justified punishment. I needed to sit down and take it until I was forgiven and accepted, neither of which ever came up for review. It’s just another day of being expected to accept things that make me sick.
My solution? Don’t dwell. Don’t worry. Don’t care. Whatever people want to do to make me feel bad, go for it. Trying to stop them from hurting me is beyond my grasp, and trying to control it only makes me sicker. If it turns out to be something the Serenity Prayer can’t process, maybe it’s time to quit trying to process it and leave it on the side of the road. Concentrate on me and my self-worth. Stop wishing for others to make me feel better by acting the way I want them to. They’re going to continue to do whatever they want.
Today: As long as I’m doing the next right thing and living right-sized, it’s time to start living without care.