I work from home two days a week, and connect to the office through the internet. This morning, I have been unable to connect. Therefore, I am being fired today, and I.T. is currently ransacking my hard drive and H.R. is going through my drawers. They better not steal any of my comic books.
Today and for the rest of this month, I’m going to learn to like myself, or die trying. I’m going to concentrate on the positive things – not in my life, but in me. I need to learn, accept and know that me, alone, is enough.
I’ve sent an email to work, and I’m waiting for a reply. It’s been 45 minutes. No matter that it’s spring break week, half the office is out and my boss is incommunicado somewhere in Palm Springs: it’s the perfect opportunity to get rid of me. Bosses love coming back from vacation finding their distasteful business already taken care of. That’s why they’re management: they know how to delegate.
This is exactly how I get myself wrong-sized. If the work connection’s down not just for me but for everyone, I.T. is most likely up to their eyeballs in phone calls and overhead pages. But I personalize, wrongly assume, and begin the isolated rationalizing that never ends with anything good.
If I liked myself, these thoughts wouldn’t be foremost in my brain. System’s down? Big whoop. Moving on with my day. There wouldn’t be all this nonsense, all this worry. Why a computer glitch can trigger waves of self-doubt and depression is a little disheartening.
Here’s what’s not: Today, after a little time in the program, I’m not defending my work record out loud to nobody. There isn’t the repeating of imaginary retorts to prep for future attacks that will never happen. I may be upset, but I’m not throwing a fit. That’s progress.
Today, I wait. Whatever happens, happens. And when I allow some time to pass without reacting to made-up perceptions, it turns out that not much happens at all.