I’m starting off the day caught in an undercurrent of dread of the unavoidable. Marriage dissolution. Job termination. Child estrangement. Quiet despair. Isolation years. Undiscovered death. Sure, none of that’s happening today, but why should that stop me from dwelling?
Today and for the rest of this month, I’m going to learn to like myself, or die trying. I’m going to concentrate on the positive things – not in my life, but in me. I need to learn, accept and know that me, alone, is enough.
Let’s say all that stuff comes true. Let’s say I never come close to anything like happy, joyous and free. Is that when I get to declare myself a failure? Because this alcoholic would just like to know, one way or the other.
Understand: everything’s going to go away whether I’m drunk or sober. That’s reality. What I gotta quit doing is fighting it. If people are through with me, they’re through, and that’s totally within their right. Who says they have to keep putting up with my crap?
For today: Understand that if people are done, that’s their right. I know I would’ve bolted from myself the first chance I got years ago. That being said, in order to move forward, I can’t get caught up in all that. Stay, go, doesn’t matter to me or my disease, because I’m always right here, and I’m what needs the work.
For Right Now: I’m going to take five minutes, head down the elevator to the lowest level, find an empty meeting room, and center, breathe and pray and know that no matter what happens, it’ll be all right.