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I don’t know this to be fact, but I believe that my brain spends the night working up irritations that are waiting for me once I awake. There’s a laundry list of alcoholic unfairness in my head that has me losing faith in myself and the day before I’m even fully conscious.

Today and for the rest of this month, I’m going to learn to like myself, or die trying. I’m going to concentrate on the positive things – not in my life, but in me. I need to learn, accept and know that me, alone, is enough. 

This morning’s a perfect example. Even as my feet hit the floor, and the serenity prayer is going through my head, there’s another thought that is present; one that I can’t put my finger on, but nonetheless is extremely unsettling, irritating, wrong-sized. (Note: I stood up first, as opposed to dropping to my knees in gratitude and getting my head ready for the day.)

But I’m running late, or at least I act like I’m running late: pressed and rushed because that’s what you do in the morning. It’s the unwarranted demands that I put on myself that really can do a number on me. I’ve driven to work in snowstorms to make a meeting, only to find that it’s been postponed and everyone else is working from home.

It’s as if I go out of my way to put myself in untenable situations. Nothing feeds my alcoholism better than getting locked up in a good ol’ “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” scenario. Everything becomes dreadful drudgery; a slogging through of my day with a rain-soaked towel draped over my shoulders. A “well, I guess this is how this day’s going to go” mentality takes over, and it’s 8:38 A.M. I walk to the break room to refill my now-decaf coffee with all the enthusiasm of a death-row inmate.

Today’s action: I went down the elevator, across the skyway and to my car, were I sat for five minutes of quiet. Nothing that’s being asked of me today is impossible. Even if priorities take over and some people aren’t happy, that’s on them – I don’t need to feel like crap because too many coworkers want to monopolize my time. That’s not my concern – they get to work that out among themselves. It’s not my call, so why get upset? Listen, no human being can physically do two different jobs at the same time. But that doesn’t stop my disease from wanting me to get bent, get angry, and get resentful.

So, again: Take things as they come, and be accommodating. Smile, and do the next thing I’m told to do. Hey, it’s Friday!

One thought on “hating the have-to’s.

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