Day Three of Operation: Self-Worth is upon me, and with it comes the third day of taking things away. Namely, other chemicals which, while not as bad as alcohol, were doing their damnedest to keep me off the beam. So, with the willingness to do whatever it takes to stay sober, I’m working on cutting out caffeine and sugar, in addition to the Lenten offering of my cigarettes
Today and for the rest of this month, I’m going to learn to like myself, or die trying. I’m going to concentrate on the positive things – not in my life, but in me. I need to learn, accept and know that me, alone, is enough.
I know, I know – this doesn’t have anything directly to do with alcoholism. Will forgoing three cups of coffee in the morning really help keep me from drinking the other stuff? Same for the sugar: is eliminating ice cream going to bring about more serenity?
Who knows – but it can’t hurt. And remember, this is just me we’re talking about: I’ve got a metabolism that’s off the charts. I idle at thirty miles per hour. Even the effects of alcohol didn’t slow me down or make me lethargic. So why am I constantly filling myself with rocket fuel?
It seems to me that there’s some sort of connection: the need to feel a certain way, the craving to find that treat or soda or cigs. And yes, I will pick up any one of those three things before drinking. But what happens is, the sugar gets me edgy. The caffeine gets me paranoid. The nicotine gets me depressed. And I know that the alcohol can dull all those states of being.
What I’m trying to get at is this: Sugar, caffeine and nicotine have always shortened my reaction time, giving my disease a better chance at having the first response. And my first response is almost always anger (external), or resentment (internal). Now I’m wrong-sized in opposite directions. Oh, and by the way, I’m sober, so now I’m also a little ticked at the program because I’m exhibiting old behaviors. Behaviors I thought I had under… control? Whoops. I know how that turns out.
For today: Know that the longer it takes for me to react, the better my chance is to make the right choice.