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Today and for the rest of this month, I’m going to learn to like myself, or die trying. I’m going to concentrate on the positive things – not in my life, but in me. I need to learn, accept and know that me, alone, is enough.

I won’t be going back over specific events that may or may not have contributed to my lack of self-esteem; suffice to say it was always there. Even growing up in a loving household in a small town where I was nurtured and excelled, the belief that I wasn’t good enough always won out.

For a while I thought it was modesty, until I found out that modesty doesn’t make you feel like a fake. Then I started drinking, and twenty years later, I’m still full of self-pity, which is pride in reverse (boy, was I pissed off the day I learned that little nugget). And at this point, my alcoholism desperately wants to help me prove that I was right all along: that I’m not worth anything, that I am a fraud, that people have taken notice, and that it’s over for me.

“We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.”
Malcolm X.

Proven. Right-sized. Honor. Dignity. Even if it’s only refilling my coffee, I will offer friendly “good mornings” to those I pass. I will ask follow-up questions when appropriate and show a genuine interest, even though I may wish to keep my head down and scurry back into my office. It’s okay to walk and talk among the normals; none of them are going to peel back my cheek to reveal the alien lizard skin underneath

Here’s the secret of the Normals – from me to you: Normals just want to get along. They are almost always willing to accept you into the fold. They are looking for pleasant interactions that will neither help nor hinder their day. I’ll say that part again: Neither help nor hinder their day.

There aren’t all these agendas out there. Well, actually, there are all these agendas out there: everyone has agendas. They just don’t all involve me.

Today’s mission: Stay right-sized and act cordial. I’m not out to change the world. I’m out to change myself.

One thought on “operation self-worth.

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