Is there anything worse than being too lazy to work the program? I mean, I wouldn’t mind it so much, the laziness that is, if I actually enjoyed some of it.
And I’m not even sure lazy is the right word to use. Procrastination, maybe? I’m off the beam and I know it, but I’m not that far off; it’s not that uncomfortable, not yet. It’s currently 9:41 in the morning. I’ve been awake since 5:15. Have I hit my knees yet? Prayers, meditations, readings, anything? No, no and no. Instead, I’m aimlessly pacing, sitting, working, whatever. There’s a steady undercurrent of low voltage needling out the tips of my extremities, only to return with a dulling conglomeration at the base of my neck. That’s textbook not feeling right in my own skin.
Sitting still has never really been an option for me: my lazy takes the form of doing hyperactive busy work rather than the chores I need to complete. I have so much to do, yet nothing’s super-urgent. So I let them sit for a few days until they’ve grown in scope and importance.
There are things in life that are only going to get done if I do them. Turning everything over to the care and will of my higher power is all well and good, but at some point I need to get off my ass. Today, I’m shooting for 10:30.
Here’s what helps: a list. Marking things off that needed to be done for myself, my family, my job, is so comforting and rewarding. There’s something of a focus now. Not everything will get checked off the list. But I’m no longer completely forgetting about things that used to be important to me, like the most important thing of all, and number one on my list.
Step One: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.