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Spirituality was last night’s open topic. There’s a person who has been popping in and out of local meetings for the last six months, without being able to get more than a few days strung together. And the excuse we keep hearing is his problem accepting a Higher Power.

Step 2: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

He wasn’t there last night, but he had been there the week before, and not in good shape. So, as the meeting progressed and we started going around the table, I was struck by how personal this subject is to everyone, and how we’d all spent some time last week thinking about his situation. For some, religious spirituality is the bedrock of their sobriety; God is their present-day filter. For others, spirituality’s importance is recognized, but there are other tools in the box that get pulled out more often. Everyone’s careful not to step on any toes; there are plenty of caveats and that’s-what-works-for-me qualifications.

I’m not sure it’s so much about the spirituality than it is about the willingness. I needed to take a leap of faith that this program might actually save my life. No one was attempting to jam God into my heart, and once I realized that I didn’t need to swear some type of secret alcoholic penance-oath in front of an altar, the paranoia went away. Because, even though I go to church and know all the prayers, I’ve always felt like it’s really not for me. I’m glad I go; it does me good and it’s good for me to hear the lessons. But deep down, I don’t think I truly believe the history.

Now, does that mean that I cannot maintain sobriety until I vanquish all doubt of the existence of a celestial being that created the heavens and earth? No, that  means my alcoholic brain has found the ultimate loophole / conundrum / paradox: Can God make a boulder too heavy for him to lift? And since God can’t be proven, I can’t stay sober. Done and done. My disease is on the recliner, feet up.

Well, here’s what works for me: I just need to be willing to do it a day at a time, like everything else. And if my head hits the pillow tonight with my spirituality still a riddle but my sobriety intact, that’s more than enough for me today, thank God.

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