Leave it to the weather to ruin my fun. My wife and daughter were to go on an overnight trip with family this weekend. But another blast of winter last night, and with the anticipation of even more to come, has led to phone calls and rescheduling. Breathe, brain, breathe.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I’d spent Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday preparing for a full day and night of alone time. The same rush of anticipation was there, left over from the old days. Only this time, the prize at the end of the rainbow had changed.
I’d always craved alone time, but this was different. This was twenty-four hours of serenity, sobriety, and solitude. Quite honestly, it’s the holy Grail. I planned on spending today cleaning the house, listening to music, getting some reading done, finishing up some office work. You know, normal people things. Peace, quiet, and stability. Without cravings, panic attacks, or night terrors.
And that still can happen; albeit not alone. Now my dream of doing normal things? I have to share it with normal people. That’s one normal too many.
Or is it? As an alcoholic, adapting and adjusting are things I’ve always struggled with. And going through the motions of a normal day while outwardly pulsating with resentment isn’t really the point of the exercise. Alone, I only need to fool myself, which, of course, is much easier. Ah-ha!
Today, know this: Admitting to myself that I’m fooling myself is another way of fooling myself.