Generally, I would say that I’m pretty hard on myself. Seldom does a day go by when I don’t look over some aspect of my past and feel that hot flush of awkward, embarrassed shame. There’s a certain level of sick obsession; going back and inhaling the dead air I created in various situations throughout my life. The verbal missteps that inadvertently hurt and push away.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
For the most part, I’ve learned to live with the continuous trips in the way-back machine. I can rationalize almost anything to myself, and even if I know I’m 100% in the wrong, I’m willing to cut myself a little slack. Same with my higher power. Admitting things to people and deities that already know the facts (i.e., myself and God), proves to be hollow victories. I mean, tell us something we don’t know.
Where the real power in this step lies for me is with my fellow man. There’s no real consequences when the admittance is to myself or God; normally they add up to me shaking my head in perpetual disappointment and muttering insults at myself. What I need is to bounce this stuff off another who’s been there, done that. It’s not absolution I’m after with this step. It’s understanding. I need to be reminded that my level of crazy doesn’t bump up against genius, and that I’m not unique.
It’s through recognizing myself as right-sized that allows me to interact with the world. It’s admitting the exact natures of my wrongs to another human being that reminds me I’m human.