What I used to be like: unsure, unclear, unfocused, unlikable. And, most of all, unwilling.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

My personal inventory was simple to take in the olden days: I was right and you were wrong. Even if I was wrong, my troubled past, my upbringing, and my mental disorders made allowances that you needed to account for. I felt I had the right, even when I knew I was wrong, to be right. I felt the universe owed me. Big time.

But then years pass, and I’m still a head-up-my-own-ass jerk. I felt it was my right to act however I wanted, because I was making up for all the years I’d been put down, bullied, teased and excluded. Of course, the new people surrounding me, the ones who had nothing to do with my past, all stare at me in wide wonder. What kind of arrogant, egotistical, self-medicating, insulting jackass have we brought aboard?

Thankfully, that was a couple of companies ago, and with the economy being what it is, I’m always getting new chances with new people. Lately, it’s going better. I’m starting to understand that I’ve more than made up for my time of perceived abuse from my past. Anything I do now, moving forward, needs to be in the way of the program.

Right-sized and all that.

One thought on “clouds in my coffee.

  1. I am with you – I always used my victim card from the deck (my deck was stacked with all victim cards) to trump anyone and anything in seeing things my way. Being right was the most important thing, even when deep down inside I knew I was wrong. So I rearranged the solar system to adjust to my self-righteousness. Took a lot of effort and a lot of booze, and in the end, it still wasn’t “right”.

    Step 10 keeps me from trying to continue rearranging everything. At least, when I decide to practice it…ha ha.

    Great post…love your work, by the way.


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