Watching the gears of interaction work their way to completion is something I never could do. In public and at home and in work environments: I needed to get involved, and never in a good way. And if it’s got absolutely nothing to do with me, all the better. See, that way I can lay down the right and wrong and who’s to blame, without getting my hands dirty.
Step One: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
I understood that I was powerless over alcohol for a long, long time. But since I felt I was still managing my life (by cutting out everything and everyone) my drinking was allowable, even though my alcoholism was a screaming baby that needed constant pacification. And since I was maintaining, I obviously was an above-average human. Someone you should thank when I toss some truth your way. Don’t ask for a follow-up; I don’t care that much. It’s my aloofness that really sold my authority. Lying to myself that I was above it all was my capper.
Today, and this is a big one: Identifying possible problems, doing nothing about them, and watching them resolve themselves, is a miracle I’ve never experienced before. It was always my responsibility to get in there and fuck it up. Today, unless someone actually asks, I keep quiet. It’s amazing how infrequently that happens.
Now, I volunteer to help. I try to be mindful of others, and to gain interest in my fellows. It’s foreign, being giving and not condemning, to that’s what happens when I stop being a drunk know-it-all.