In order for my disease to win, I need to squeeze an untenable situation into my daily mental processes. The quickest way to goof me up? Get me operating under false directives. Tell myself lies until I’m indoctrinated with guilt, fear, and anger.
A Month of Promises (pages 83-84), sentence 11: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
On an extremely base level, I want my self-pity to rule. Because self-pity and despair keeps the door to my alcoholism open. So, even when I’m letting the program work and stepping out of my own way, the demons of fear and complacency begin tearing at foundations that I would’ve sworn were strong and unbreakable. But if I start to fixate all my diseased thinking, and allow that foundation to be shook, then it follows that everything I took for granted becomes questionable. Including my sobriety.
Being able to put emotions before logic is my alcoholism’s greatest strength. Getting bent over something that’s not true can keep me disturbed for as long as I choose. The perfect mind-screw: being upset over the unchangeable; an unchangeable that I created. I can’t fix what doesn’t exist.
These situations are easier to handle now, simply because the numbers are down. Reminding myself to stay in reality, to at least question what I’m thinking is the truth, needs to be completed constantly. My alcoholism’s goal is to get me to forget the origin. Because once the why doesn’t matter, what’s stopping the disease?
Today: I’m attempting to be ever-mindful of my mind. Other people aren’t out there plotting against me. I’m doing that all on my own.