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This is the step that I’ve been taking for granted for far too long. Without the ability to place my crazy into the hands of God, I might be sober, but I ain’t happy.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 

My number one obstacle to Step 3? Shame. I’m embarrassed that I need to define a higher power, then pray and meditate to said being. Relying on the Lord seems like such a weakness; so unmanly. I never once heard John Wayne say, “well, pilgrim, we’re just gonna have to turn this whole Indian situation over to the care of our Lord and Savior, and pray for the best. Now, put down your rifles and let God.” Which in and of itself is nuts: I never identified with the Duke. I always pictured myself in the Dean Martin role.

That said, let me ask myself this: is it manly to worry around the clock? Scared of possible outcomes that I’ve concocted in my head? Not being able to live a right-sized life without being ruled by fear and anger and depression seems like such a wussy way to go through life. Believing I’m forever losing because I’m fretting over unlikely scenarios leaves little room for serenity.

Because serenity is not the same as not caring. That’s another thing I mess up all the time. Acting like I don’t give a rat’s ass couldn’t be more childish. These things that upset me; these things I claim not to be phased by, are generally the things I’m most fearful of coming true. Pretending not to be bothered by them only increases the tension in my head and devalues the very things I cherish.

At this stage of my alcoholic recovery, should I really be concerned about saving face? I’ve already gone through the steps; admitting and asking forgiveness and praying and meditating and crying and soul-searching. And all of it was met with open arms, empathy and love. Attempting to take it all back makes no sense at all. Again with the cunning, baffling, powerful.

For today: Roughly 95% of what I worry about never happens. And the 5% that does is totally manageable. I’ve put down the drink. By turning things over to the care of God, and talking with others in the fellowship, I can stop picking up everything else that’s been ruling and ruining my life, one day at a time.

One thought on “turn, turn, turn.

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