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Is the only reason I’m in the program because I was no longer getting away with it? I’ve heard around the tables that I’ll finally give up trying to do things my way once I hurt enough. But what happens when I start hurting everyone and everything around me now that I’m sober and miserable? Not miserable that I’m sober, but miserable because I still don’t know how to appropriately live a normal’s life?

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

The resentments are more in focus now; my shortcomings more painfully obvious. The successes of others have become stark reminders of my years spent drunkenly wasted in anger and depression, and now I’m seemingly unable to get things back on track. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m the one tossing dynamite out ahead of the train, just when it starts to get a decent head of steam.

If my alcoholism can’t get me head-on, it’ll wiggle its way through a side door. If it can prove to me that life’s gonna suck regardless, I might as well push everyone away while I can and go into proper hiding. And lately there’s more days than not that I’m actively destroying. Embarrassment and apologies follow, but who cares when the targets of my assaults are now comparing me to the successes of others and the wonderfulness that are the normals? See, there’s absolutely no reason anyone should choose me over of the greatness that is everyone else they know. Those people don’t self-destruct; they only bring joy and love and comfort to those I can no longer make happy, and how can I ever compete with that?

Short answer: I can’t. Long answer: With time, I might be able to get to a place where I’m not a complete piece of shit. In both scenarios, it’s probably best to walk away, no hard feelings, and give them a chance at a life that’s actually not awful.

For today: Let go of everyone and everything. Let God take over, because whatever I’ve been attempting has been failing on such a grand level it’s frightening. There’s absolutely no possible way God could do any worse than me. And if he decides it’s best I go away, so be it. No more blaming others or myself. Quit being sad that I can’t find happiness. Start being happy that today I recognize my sadness, my anger, my myriad of character defects and shortcomings, and am still able to maintain sobriety.

There’s your goddamn miracle.

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