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Seems like the only thing I can do lately is find ways to make myself miserable. And being an alcoholic with anger and depression issues, that’s not too hard. Never has my disease been more apparent than these last four days. I just keep finding reasons to explode, followed by sadness and hopelessness. The urge to give up keeps resurfacing.

Step 2: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I’m fighting against everything I can as hard as I can, chipping away at my foundation. I’m like a blind rattlesnake; striking at anything that comes near. I’m filled with poison, bad feelings and toxic thoughts. None of them based in reality, mind you, but that doesn’t seem to matter.

I’m turning myself into a walking apology. With each “I’m sorry” comes another brick on my back, another notch on the negative side of the ledger. I’m being a jerk for jerkiness sake, and I’m afraid I can’t stop.

What is it I want? If I don’t allow for happiness, what chance do I have? Refusing to let go of things that aren’t things in the first place seems, well, insane. And I keep expecting different results. No – that’s not accurate. My disease keeps showing me the same results so it can keep me hopeless and helpless.

So, stop being surprised when ratcheting things up to a fever pitch brings nothing but sadness and dismay to myself and those around me. If I always do what I’ve always done, I’ll always get what I’ve always got.

That’s not mine – it’s from a old-timer in my Wednesday night meeting. Maybe I should start taking it to heart.

Tomorrow: wake up and work. The Program.

One thought on “get out of the way.

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