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It’s been brought up on numerous occasions lately, this idea that there is a major difference between thinking of doing something and actually doing something. When I’m “shoulding” this program, I’m kidding myself. How many times did I make the decision to not drink today? Later on? Tomorrow? How many times did I buy a tall boy, only to throw it away at the next gas station half full, only to then go buy another ten minutes later?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 

So, the big question is, how can I tell when I’m actively working on the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God of my understanding?

Number one: I stop hedging. This isn’t a dip-your-toes-in-the-water kind of program. And when I’m getting comfortable, I’m no longer learning, I’m back to acting cool.

Looking cool, acting above it; these are extremely unhealthy ways of living for someone who secretly resents everything. It’s social isolation. Walking among those at the 7-11; they’re not people to me. They’re hindrances to my agenda, however small it may be. When I finally quit seeing society en masse and judging the differences, when society breaks apart into its various people pieces, they become bodies and faces and hopes and flaws and all the other crap that comes with walking this earth.

Number two: Unique, my ass. It’s that terminal uniqueness that’s talked about that loves to quietly add up all the things that makes me, me, and why excuses are acceptable. I’m special. Mr. Extenuating Circumstances. It’s like I’m constantly handing society a note that says, “Normally, what this person’s doing is unacceptable, but in his case it’s alright, because he’s unique.”

So, what’s the answer? I know I’m working the program when my engagements are right-sized and just that: engaged.

2 thoughts on “cool.

  1. Love the honesty. If I’m not honest with myself how can I be honest with you. Or as I say to people I speak to that have that higher level of “You better respect me just because I have been around for a few”. How can I be honest with myself if I’m lie to you?
    Some people have just gotten too comfortable and sometimes all we need is honesty.

  2. I got so bad I started making excuses before doing the unacceptable thing, and almost chose unacceptable things so that I could spin great tales of woe. Sad but true!

    Good post (again)

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