Mid-week check-in and check-up. I want to revisit I promise I made a couple of weeks back. I was to add morning prayer and meditation to my daily regimen. Another in a series of truly seeing the moment and making things tangible.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I put it in my calendar. Which now means there is no chance of escaping it, ignoring it, or forgetting it. It pops up on my phone. My work computer. My home computer. Every day. 5:40 a.m. No alarm is set, but the reminder is waiting with a warm smile and a patience that I often abuse.
Subject: Morning gratitude meditation. Wife. Daughter. A day at a time. Let go and let God. Say this out loud three times.
Location: Prayer position.
Recurrence: Occurs every day.
My alcoholic brain confuses acknowledgement with completion. Clicking “Dismiss” is not the same as getting on my knees, closing my eyes and gently whispering my loved ones’ names through inhales and exhales of right-sized cleansing breathes.
Even now, as I write this, I have yet to do my morning gratitude meditation. I figure that since… and so on.
Why not thirty seconds? Since when does spending half a minute being thankful and mindful not worth the time or effort? There’s no way my day is that full. My disease is in a constant state of pushing it forward, “it” being wrong-headed craziness. And still, I haven’t gotten on the floor.
Okay – scratch that – I just took a knee like a high school football coach, lowered my head, slowly inhaled and exhaled for about fifteen seconds. Here’s what went through my head: nice and easy no big deal love wife daughter let go let god wife daughter exhale inhale feel your shoulders right sized don’t get crazy love wife daughter let go let god exhale inhale through lungs heart back closed eyes release love wife daughter exhale go team.
That’s the miracle of this program. Never in my life did it occur to me that it was okay to take teeny-tiny mini-breaks wherein I clear the air throughout my body and brain. It never occurred to me because I wasn’t worthy.
Sure, it’s usually gobbledygook running through my thoughts when I commit to the gratitude meditation.
Today I understand: it’s loving, positive gobbledygook.