Nothing makes my head sicker than actual head sickness. The flu, a nasty cold; anything that incapacitates me for more than a day, has the ability to knock me right out of the human race.

Alone in bed, alternating between the sweats and the shivers, I question my existence, and whether or not I have enough term insurance. Look at everyone and everything continue on without me. How much would I be missed, I mean, honestly?

It’s not hard to imagine, in between the dry heaves, the minor impact I’ve made in a positive way upon others. It’s what I wanted, though, right? Alcoholism and extreme isolation. I’d been isolating in the extreme years before I took my first drink. And when my drinking became out of control, I already knew how to hide and isolate.

Amazing, how quickly I can rule out all the good in my life. Just put me in bed for seventeen hours and I’m a worthless pile of crap surrounded by those who love me, but wouldn’t mind being done with me and my drama. If given the opportunity, they’d definitely pull the plug, and I wouldn’t blame them. My fever’s got me believing that my friends and family want me dead; it just took me getting super-sick to see things for how they truly are.

To them, it’s Tuesday.

One thought on “the vapors.

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