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I’m fearful that betrayal waits around every corner. Family bonds. Long-term friendships. Job security. All of which I imagine being as delicate as tissue: one drop of water, one tug, and it’s shredded. That’s what I learned growing up: even your best friends will humiliate you, as long as it keeps them in the clear. No relationship is forever. No one can possibly like/love/stand another person forever. So, as with all my relationships, it comes down to waiting for the hammer to fall.

Step 6: were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Being the nail during my formative years has turned me into a hammer-heavy adult. I smash indiscriminately. You’re going to have to put up with a lot of bullshit if you want to hang around me. And in most cases, the answer comes back a resounding “no”, which is how I, pre- and post-alcoholism, wants it.

I don’t feel the need to get to know new people that I will eventually fail. I become resentful of the normals and their social circles, and treat them the same way I treated the cliques I was never a part of before: with bitter disdain. Complete hatred and misunderstanding. Emotions that, when shared, makes me less and less desirable to be around. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For today the program teaches: Only through complete letting go and letting God, and through complete trust, can I again attain human interaction that doesn’t seem false. And if it turns out everyone is stabbing me in the back, at least this time I know that it’s not my fault. That’s something. If not everything.

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