Halloween reminds me that I crave. I never had much of a sweet tooth until I entered the program. Then ice cream and candy bars became daily parts of my diet.

No surprise, I also enjoy coffee. And I drink it just like I drank alcohol: to excess.

Supersize something? Yes. Special editions of movies I already own? Of course.

What’s fun to watch in my sobriety is just how my body works. I was never very aware of any aspect of my body. It was simply a vessel. Bruises would appear and leave without explanation or remembrance. So noticing slight variations in something like sugar levels, even though I’d be bouncing off the walls, was harder to see, process, and most importantly, draw the correlation.

I celebrate candy corn one day a year – Halloween. I eat it and eat it and eat it until I remind myself why I absolutely fucking hate candy corn. Even with sucrose, I need to hit bottom and ruin it. There is no moderation, no sipping. There is only chewing until the chemicals made up of candy and saliva form something vomit-enducing.

As with everything, it goes beyond what goes beyond rational rationing. It’s no longer about the thing. It’s about the feeling, or the no feeling. Either extreme. As long as my disease can always be buzzing, crashing and recovering, it’s all good.

This Halloween, here’s what I’ve learned: stomach aches are easy to make.

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