Beware the rerun resentments. The resentments I visit every now and again. Sometimes it’s just a pop-in; sometimes it’s a week-long sleep-over. And the resentments my alcoholism loves the most are the ones that comes back the day after I deal with them.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

It’s like a kid that refuses to stay in bed. We’ve read stories, turned on the night-light, sipped from a glass of water, and got tucked in with kisses and hugs and back rubs, only to have our name called two steps down the hallway.

It’s like a resentment that refuses to stay resolved. I’ve turned it over, gone to a meeting, prayed and meditated, talked to people in the program, and yet it’s still taking up active space in my brain. It’s like being angry at being angry: I’m resenting my resentments.

This is where it feels like the disease is winning. I drank to make my resentments, if not tolerable, then at least forgettable. Step 10 seems designed to remind me how little I’ve grown, and that my thoughts will always overrule whatever program you throw at it.

Well, yes, that’s true. If I don’t want to try, I will lose. My mangled mind will always find loopholes. It’s like rich people finding tax breaks: if one doesn’t exist, they’ll make one.

So when the same resentment rises up out of the ooze, recognize it for what it is: something that really, really bothers me. Name it without judging myself. Continual personal inventory shouldn’t be one long negative narrative. It’s me for the first time in my life categorizing my deficiencies, blind spots and triggers.

The repetitive nature of my resentments actually accomplishes a very valuable thing: it helps quantify and list, value and order.

Realize that when done correctly, Step 10 cuts my work out for me. It’s that nice?

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