Why is it that the step which appears to be the easiest turns out to be the most difficult?

Step Six:
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

At face value, it seems pretty self-evident. Of course I want my defects of character removed. But what my defects of character are, and what I think they are, seldom match up.

There are obvious defects of character that I can identify in everyday life that would be nice to have eliminated. Putting down the toilet seat. My knee-jerk negative reactions to new ideas. My driving. My overreacting. My anger. My depression. These are the things I can point my finger at and say, “Here. Take these, won’t you?”

Turns out that I am only scratching the surface. The real trouble resides in the grey mush that I call a brain. It’s not seeing things for what they truly are. Misperceptions of being attacked, disrespected, laughed at. Wanting to be understood and revered for my unique brilliance. I want a pass from society for my behavior. Don’t they know I’ve justified and rationalized everything?

My number-one secret character defect that I don’t even know about? Unfairness. Walking through a world in which everyone else seems to be getting exactly what they want creates constant misery. I’m not good at waiting my turn. And who says I get a turn? Who says the happy people got a turn?

Then I get honest. How many opportunities in my life did I piss away through alcoholism? I’m not even talking about getting fired for showing up drunk, which thankfully never happened to me. I’m talking about all the times that I chose to isolate. The number of invitations I turned down, the number of signs that went unseen.

Today: Make my mind entirely ready. Then, follow up with appropriate action. End results are so not the point.

2 thoughts on “i’ve got a secret.

  1. I often think the same way. Then, on better days, I think that this was the task we were born to do, the “game” as it was meant to be played. Like the sun peaking out on a rainy day, I begin to glimpse that trying to the “next right thing” is a privilege and not a chore. Most days are at least partly cloudy so I am still working at it.

  2. Yes! I’m on Step 6 now. So good to read this. I had the same as reaction as you at first “of course I want my defects of character removed.” Then I realized parts of me still want to be greedy…how effed up is that. Ugggghhh defects.

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