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I’m about as successful at controlling my thinking as I was at controlling my drinking. The self-loathing that comes from the failure to corral my thoughts is on par with the self-hatred I felt for not being able to stop guzzling booze.

Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

After being shown a whole new way of living which involves the miracle of sobriety, why did I think I should revert to old habits to correct my diseased thinking? My alcoholism was clinging to old ideas and old loops of insanity. The removal of alcohol brought back my brain from 20+ years ago. A brain that at best was mildly broken to begin with. These mental traps and thoughtful undoings sprung to life in waves. My sobriety was allowing me to dwell better, to mope stronger, to sigh harder, and to be down longer than I had been in years. It was like a homecoming. No, scratch that. It was like a class reunion where only the bullies and assholes show up.

So when do I start seeing results? I’m already bored with not drinking, and so is everyone else, because it has yet to be replaced by anything helpful when it come to my interactions. I’m watching everything I’m grateful for turn to shit right before my eyes, and don’t seem to be able to stop it. My inability to halt the rage and anger and dissatisfaction I feel toward myself makes living with me unbearable, and being me pointless.

For tonight: I’m practicing Step Eleven: pray for help – the letting go kind. Then go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

One thought on “me trying is not helping.

  1. The most helpful thing for me when I’m in the midst of an extreme self loathing session is to read about or talk to another alcoholic about feeling the same way, because it brings me back to the whole i-am-not-alone thing. so thanks you.

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