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Whenever I feel like I’m doing everything correctly but the results aren’t reflective of my efforts, that’s a real danger zone for me. So when I go off the rails and have a mini breakdown, it shouldn’t be surprising.

The unexpected wave of dissatisfaction and failure can knock me to the ground in seconds flat. Disoriented, confused and angry, I attempt to identify the root causes. But I’m not thinking clearly, and it’s all alcoholic feelings which are never truthful, and I’m attempting to justify them. This leads to a misdiagnosis, or the pulling out of whatever card is handy to play as my reason for misery. As long as I can blame it on something beyond my control, then fixing myself is hopeless. Looks like another day of constant negative affirmations.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Misusing the Serenity Prayer as a litmus test for my depression and as confirmation of all my shortcomings distorts the whole point of the program. Sure, I’m not drinking, but I’m pulling everything down around me until I’m isolated through my constant pushing away. It’s the passive-aggressive component of my alcoholism. Once I agree that I’m no good for anyone, then quiet avoidance begins. This can pass for days as normal behavior, and I can even get to believing it.

Then I’m asked about my quietness, and the wave comes back and I can’t explain anything; only to say that the emotions I’d been lying to myself about not having are alive and well, and again starts the cycle of self-flagellation, self-hatred, and questions.

This is where it always goes. This is where it went this morning, before I was conscious, and I let it run me into a panicky, desolate loner that needs to push whatever button there is that’ll make me go away without anyone’s knowledge of my existence. That’s really the dream, isn’t it? All memories are bad ones, and if all I’m doing now is creating new bad memories, what’s the point?

I think the point is to hopefully start making good memories and not bad ones. But for today, I’m working on maintaining neither, and hope that counts as a win.

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