During a step nine meeting last night, I learned something I never quite put together before. It’s not only about asking for forgiveness of others; it’s also letting go of it myself.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
It’s hard to feel step nine is working when I can feel resentments based on the perceived level of resistance to my amends. See, I’m not so keen on the living amends. I want instant results and presto forgiveness. Sound familiar? This time I’ve changed, so love me again now !
And the living amends isn’t something simply measured by days, though, days help. And, unfortunately when I measure it by days I don’t get too far along. Won’t it be neat when the good days just blur together? When the last bad day isn’t easily on the tip of my tongue or calendar?
So it still takes time. Good to know. Then let it go.
Lesson? Stop walking into amendee’s houses feeling like they haven’t truly forgiven me. That’s not on them – it’s all on me. That’s what’s in my head. Even if I’m occasionally right, the answers are never good, and that shading of the mind casts puts the sincere ones, the majority, in doubt.
If I one day at a time it, some may come around.
Again, though: keep my head down. Pull tight and push forward.
12 the hard way 