Awareness never did anything for me, except drive me deeper down into the self-pity pit. Every single time, I would confuse awareness with the ability to control. Stands to reason, right? “Oh, I see what’s happening here. This time, I’ll execute a wonderful plan that will make sure what I’m aware of doesn’t happen again. Okay?”
It’s like the jay-walker analogy in the big book, only this time I’m standing in the middle of the street watching an approaching vehicle. I’m aware it’s coming towards me. I’m aware that it’s getting bigger. I’m aware that it’s right up on me. I’m aware it’s now passed. I’m aware my legs are broken. I’m aware I’m going into shock.
Even with all my awareness, I’m concentrating on the wrong thing. The problem is, I’m trying to control the car. Or, short of that, at least blame it.
It’s the “this time…” roundabout. Everybody else hops on and off that thing, no problem. And each time I get on board with a “this time I know what to do” attitude, I’m thrown. Sometimes immediately. Sometimes I get a couple good spins in first, build up my speed, then really hit the asphalt for all it’s worth.
The scabs don’t slow me down, or level my thinking. The slings, the braces, the time off my feet, only makes me more aware. Of what depends on if I feel like working the program today.
Today: I’m aware that my awareness is useless. Let the program work on my “this times”.