People who say that suicide is the coward’s way out are assholes. When in their entire lives have they ever known anything like alcoholism? Because drunks know that suicide ain’t no easy answer, but sometimes, when your brain’s acting up, putting a hole in it seems to make a lot of sense.

Air it out: depressurize the ability to think. No more worries; especially for those around you. And it’s not a martyr move. Don’t switch it into something it’s not. It’s purely selfish, but for seemingly all the right reasons. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired drunk. Now I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired sober. What other self-help windbag programs are out there that can get me all shiny and new for about a year until I cash it in and go back to being my regular asshole self?

That was my mindset this afternoon, this evening and right now at 10:33 p.m. It’s times like these I feel the program only works if you’re gullible enough to allow yourself to believe the bullshit.

Those are just some of the wishes and thoughts of my disease. And although I know it’s a thinking disease, it doesn’t make anything feel less real. That’s why resent-filled emotions I invent in my mind hurt just as much as real ones.

So, just for today: Go to sleep. It’s late, I’m in a bad mood, and the program seems to be a giant daisy-chain rip off. Hooray, you didn’t drink. Way to go, chief. And you managed not to kill yourself, at least not on purpose.

Suggestion: Maybe in the future, as opposed to wanting to be rewarded for something I haven’t done, why not do something that actually helps a situation without anyone knowing?

I’ll think about it in the morning.
I’d say good night, but I wouldn’t mean it.

One thought on “(put a) hole in my head (please).

  1. Life is hard for everyone. Some have it better, some much much worse. For me, every day sober is a chance to try again. Every day drunk had no chance. Be grateful for what you have. Conciously help someone less fortunate. Care for the people around you. This too shall pass.

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