My insanities are very diligent. There is no quit. If it means pulling an all-nighter obsessing, so be it. That’s the price you pay for not letting go

Step Three: 
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him. 

Its sounds so easy, so common sensible. Making yourself upset? Don’t. Worrying about something? Stop. That’s when alcohol really stepped up to the plate. It made me stop worrying. It made me stop caring. I wasn’t phased anymore.

Those were the lies I told myself. I still cared and I still got upset and I still focused on things and worried. The only thing my alcoholism did was muddle my waters. Dull my synaptic nerves. Slow my reaction time.

The 12 Steps teach me how to let go in the proper way. My personal version of letting go was to get drunk and cling and say, “I don’t care. Hey, listen. I really couldn’t care less. No, you’re not getting it. Look into my eyes and understand how much I don’t give a crap.” I will bully you into believing my easy-goingness.

Equating letting go with giving up was my number one sticking point. My disease saw it as a loss. As far as it was concerned, there always was a little more meat on the bone. Don’t give up being unhappy just yet.

It’s a daily decision that I must consciously make, turning my will and my life over. Because for years I’d been unconsciously controlling my own misery.

Lesson learning: If you want to float through life, don’t hold on to anchors.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s