chapter 5. How it works. part 8.
Pages 58 and 59 for those of you playing at home.
Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
My old ideas were mainly structured around how I could maintain a level buzz. As a maintenance drinker, I had a secondary schedule that ran like clockwork. Upset that schedule in any way, and watch me twist up into a ball of raw nerves.
My alcoholism doesn’t want me to upset the apple cart. My old ideas. This is when the negotiations begin. If I could just make sure my drinking doesn’t get out of control, everything would be fine. I know my limits. I have to make sure I stay under them. Starting now. Next time, next time, tomorrow, tomorrow.
I’m an alcoholic, I know, but let me give this one more shot. I’ve only been trying for 15 years, you’d think by now I would have figured out how to do it right. It’s like I’m Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”. I love something so much that I constantly snap its neck.
I held onto my old ideas until I hit bottom. And what’s bottom except for the worst examples of how I can’t drink correctly?
And here’s the real truth – the real kiss of death that I’ve never wanted to admit: Even if this program somehow cured me and I could drink responsibly and correctly, I wouldn’t want to. That’s not the point of alcohol for me. Never has been. Never will be.
I needed to kill that dream.