chapter 5. How it works. part 6.
Pages 58 and 59 for those of you playing at home.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.
Here’s what I find unbelievably amazing: I made everything in my life hard and difficult. Every interaction I was a part of, I immediately turned into a no-win situation. It was always either/or. Sides needed to be taken. Arguments needed to be created and then won.
And, as a little league pitcher, I’m very familiar with the term balk. It’s hesitating before throwing your pitch; an awkward, jumbled, weird-looking physical breakdown that results from a hiccup in your head. It’s involuntary and embarrassing. It’s as if your body knows something you don’t. In the case of my alcoholism that was true: my body didn’t want me to stop putting alcohol in it.
Side note: The word “balk” itself sounds like it’s not sure it wants to be pronounced.
And the softer, easier ways included, but were not limited to: doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, self-help books, yoga, jogging, Thai chi, nutrition, and religion, as well as the never ending mental bartering that I would engage in on a almost daily basis.
The problem was this: I needed to quit trying to find a softer, easier way to stop drinking and find a softer, easier way to start living.
Lesson learned: Let go of trying to get around the obvious. A balk today is a warning sign that my alcoholism is restless.