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Saturday was rocky, but was recovered. Now, with two days remaining on this three-day weekend, unstructured time is a clear and present danger. As a result, this morning, I listed out the one or two projects I wanted to work on. With, and this is the important part, the understanding that I didn’t need to get them done. None of these projects involve electricity or plumbing. It’s planting vegetables. It’s sanding an old table for refinishing. It’s moving stuff around in the garage with the ball game on the radio.

It’s also about just doing nothing. Fill an hour with nothing. It’s okay. Actually, that’s kind of the point of life, isn’t it? Now I understand sitting on the front porch with a lemonade. Take in the passing of ordinary time without the need to craft it into some gigantic fun adventure.

That said, I’m often not there. Sometimes, it takes a bit of centering before I can sit in one place for more than 5 minutes. But I need these resets. It’s these once in a while sit-downs that refocuses my attention on what’s really happening in the walking-talking contraption that is me.

Time flies when I’m living my life. However, it can drag on forever when I’m constantly concentrating on not drinking. Nothing wrong with a little distraction, however small.

Today, I understand: The goal of my program isn’t to be normal. It’s to be sober.

One thought on “i’m often not there.

  1. Unstructured time was an issue for me too – frightening, in fact. I am on vacation, wife gone, kids were away two days…holy cow talk about unstructured time. Sure, had a few things to do, but for the first time in a long time I had no real timeline. And it can be daunting. So like you, I have done some times of nothing. Sat in the backyard today and fell in and out of sleep. Watched the trees. Listened to birds. Put the Blackberry in the kitchen. Sat. And didn’t feel guilty about it. How crazy is it for us to say that…billions of people out there wouldn’t even think about the guilt of that…but I do. insane. That’s us alcoholics, isn’t it – fretting about the simple things in life sometimes. But sounds like you did well. I did well too. We did well.

    Ain’t it groovy?

    Great post. 🙂

    Paul

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