I pause longer than they do on Deal or No Deal. Could I let go of this crap thinking, this strong pull to the depressive, and just have a day? That was a real struggle. A real debate bounced between my ears and the day’s outcome hung in the balance for a solid hour and a half.
My wife was right in asking if I planned on enjoying the day, or wanted to continue being a d-bag. See, I was unsure. To normals, I’m sure this is a pretty easy decision. But enjoying the day meant admitting that my thought process was wrong. When I was drinking, this was the stuff of ruined weekends.
Such selfish behavior! No one is coming to my door with reparations. I get mentally stuck waiting for apologies for things that happened only in my mind.
So, in order for me to make the “easy” decision, I needed to go into the basement, into the back room, kneel in front of the couch and say some prayers. Then I sat on said couch and meditated for 8 minutes. Then I read from the big book. Then I walked the dog, doing deep breathing exercises as I went. Then I returned home, sincerely apologized to my wife for my behavior. We then went to lunch, and had a great afternoon.
But you know what else I could have done that would have shortened this whole process?
Call someone. I mean, it’s only the foundation of the entire program. Funny how I still want to do it all on my own. And not funny ha-ha, but rather funny how-long-‘til-you-start-guzzling-booze?
That said, I still chalk this one up as a miracle. A slow, clumsy, awkward, painful, humbling miracle, but a miracle none the less.
Promise: Next time, call. The other stuff’s good as well – keep doing that, too. But throw a call out there every now and again.
12 the hard way 
Cannot find the quote or reference, but seeing the world as filled with both light and darkness, Joseph Campbell said, that sometimes … “the best we can do is lean toward the light …”; another way of saying progress not perfection.
Recognizing the dark from the light can be tricky enough on occasion.