I pause longer than they do on Deal or No Deal. Could I let go of this crap thinking, this strong pull to the depressive, and just have a day? That was a real struggle. A real debate bounced between my ears and the day’s outcome hung in the balance for a solid hour and a half.
My wife was right in asking if I planned on enjoying the day, or wanted to continue being a d-bag. See, I was unsure. To normals, I’m sure this is a pretty easy decision. But enjoying the day meant admitting that my thought process was wrong. When I was drinking, this was the stuff of ruined weekends.
Such selfish behavior! No one is coming to my door with reparations. I get mentally stuck waiting for apologies for things that happened only in my mind.
So, in order for me to make the “easy” decision, I needed to go into the basement, into the back room, kneel in front of the couch and say some prayers. Then I sat on said couch and meditated for 8 minutes. Then I read from the big book. Then I walked the dog, doing deep breathing exercises as I went. Then I returned home, sincerely apologized to my wife for my behavior. We then went to lunch, and had a great afternoon.
But you know what else I could have done that would have shortened this whole process?
Call someone. I mean, it’s only the foundation of the entire program. Funny how I still want to do it all on my own. And not funny ha-ha, but rather funny how-long-‘til-you-start-guzzling-booze?
That said, I still chalk this one up as a miracle. A slow, clumsy, awkward, painful, humbling miracle, but a miracle none the less.
Promise: Next time, call. The other stuff’s good as well – keep doing that, too. But throw a call out there every now and again.