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Alcohol numbed good. It made it very difficult to concentrate on any one thing. It’s a anesthetic, after all. But I never drank alcohol because somebody had to cut off the Gang Green. I drank so I couldn’t think so hard about things. Me thinking things through to their conclusions, though it may have seemed logical to me, was actually a group of my character defects getting together for morning coffee. And they never left the shop without a consensus that everything sucks and people were actively stabbing me in the back.

It’s a learned behavior for me, paranoia. I’m fairly certain I started off life as a trusting individual. But key betrayals during formative years, etc., and so forth, left me floating. I had developed a distaste for people, and was resentful at those who “played the game”.

Within a very short time, I happened upon a medication for that. Moving forward I would remain dulled of senses, and any potential human interaction would be shut down toot sweet.

And I have maintained many of these defenses into sobriety.

What I’m working on: Stop pre-judging. Most people just want to get through the day like myself. There’s nothing wrong with a little small talk; everything isn’t about matters of national security. It’s okay, actually quite rewarding on occasion, to talk to a someone about something of no consequence.

Remember: Let my guard down. If I’m practicing these principles in all my affairs, there’s no reason for it to be up.

One thought on “Anger of the unknown.

  1. I was a no-small talk person too. If it wasn’t deep stuff or very persona, work related l or of great importance, I had no time for it. I still have problems with it. Opening up – how frightening for an alcoholic. I too felt that others were after me for something. What the hell they would want from a loser like me, I had not clue, but they were *up to something*.

    I may not initiate small talk, but I don’t run away from it at least. I will engage with the taxi driver, or the person in front of me in line, but I still do hide a little. Progress, etc.

    Great post!

    Paul (the other Paul)

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