I’m quite often far off the reservation when it comes to interacting with other people. Growing up I’d always been extremely insecure and easily embarrassed. I shrunk away from social engagements, and slowly curled myself up into a little ball; my own globe, my own world, my own universe.
That all changed when I started drinking. I was still off the reservation, I just no longer cared. And for a good long while, that was extremely liberating. I was silently exacting revenge at those who had taunted me. How acting like a drunken ass hundreds of miles away from them accomplished that I’ll never know.
Fast forward 20 years. Guess who’s still miles from the reservation? They say that when you get sober you revert back emotionally to the day before you started drinking. And oh man, how that happened to me. A 6’ 3”, 17 year-old wallflower, full of resentment at whatever was in front of me. Once again, I was acutely aware how everything was unfair in life. That was the main thing I was burying while drinking.
Here’s how I felt my life worked: As I waited my turn in line, everyone else kept cutting in front of me.
What I try to be like now: Today I smile and step aside and let them pass. I now know there’s nothing to get to. This program has taught me that there is no end game. It’s a long walk. I finally quit thinking of everything in terms of winning and losing, and concentrated on playing.
