I actually misread the meaning of “be good for goodness sake”.
It’s not the same as “don’t be bad”.

My alcoholism worked out my thought process as follows (in this example, the office): “the mere fact I’m not blowing up this place or telling everyone here how incompetent they are is my gift to them. They should be thankful.”

I’ll be brusque. Short. Put-out. I’m the “can’t you tell I’m busy” guy. Seriously, who doesn’t hate that guy? Throwing attitude around doesn’t mean I care more than everyone else. I’m all up in myself. I truly believed that my inappropriate actions were warranted and most importantly, understood and accepted. Yes, I was being an ass. However, you did ask me a question. That interaction would go down as a win on the notion that I could have down so much worse.

Wow. Pretty high standards.

I’d guess about 75% of my actions in life are reactions. I’m always adjusting. If… then charts line my walls. My toolbox is filled with fixing tools. What I need to start using are preventative ones.

Do the following: get ahead of it. Going off and calming down afterwards doesn’t undo the damage; apologies still need to be made.

Here’s where “be good” comes in. I now smile at the interruption. Even if it feels like pencils are being driven into my ears, I smile and throw out an enthusiastic greeting. And though I hate it, and time is my enemy, I watch the relieved, “he’s having a good day” face appear on my visitor, and suddenly we’re two people. No agendas or issues. And even if there are issues and agendas, even if it’s my worst nightmare before me trying to sluff something off on me, I reach for salve, and not the baseball bat.

See the growth? I used to pat myself on the back for not picking up the bat. That was enough then. Now, I offer something helpful. Whether it is or not doesn’t matter – it’s the act.

Now that’s progress you can feel.

One thought on “no medals for nothing.

  1. Great stuff – I was a lot like that too. In one of my meditations lately, I heard the words “Smile more”. Smile more? Why? I’m a happy clam! Doesn’t everyone know that?? But I often fail to emote what I am feeling, even when it’s good, because I was so used to emoting nothing. It’s been a big shift for me, and it works. When I am at ease, others are at ease. And when they’re at ease, I am at ease. Two way street.

    Great post!


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