The holidays. What used to be prime opportunities to get loaded and embarrass myself, start fights for no reason, and leave everyone bewildered and sad in my wake, has now become fodder for making direct amends.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

And what a better holiday than Easter to ask for forgiveness? I’m thinking of bringing my own palms to lay at my people’s feet.

With my craziness dialed back, and the added benefit of not having it fueled by booze, allows me to approach these events with much better perspective. Holidays are nothing more than driving to and visiting with people who love me, my wife, and my daughter. No one has an ax to grind. So why do I keep bringing the sharpener?

Because it’s a disruption to my rut. It messed with my need to escape and secretly drink. Take the drink away, and I’m an anxious and irritable; out of my element, surrounded by those who I feel I’ve disappointed.

Thankfully, I’m lucky when it comes to step 9. Thank God, most of my people already know of my disease. They get no enjoyment out of watching my repeated crashes and burns. They are part of my home team.

They root for me just as I root for them. Nobody wants me to fail. Now it’s my turn to stand up and apologize, honestly and earnestly, and clean up my messes.

Holidays still disrupt my rut. But thanks to the program, it’s a much shallower rut than it use to be.

2 thoughts on “the weekend of direct amends.

  1. Best of luck. Remember your HP is there with you in the amends. You’re not alone. I would take a deep breath in, saying “God in” and breath out, saying “fear out”. Repeat as needed. I made clear my harms, asked them is there is anything I left out, and asked what I needed to do to make it right. And then I would shut up.

    The amazing thing is how these things went – totally different than I planned! not to say I won’t get someone to tell me to piss off, but haven’t had that experience yet. And if I do, then that’s ok. I’ve done what I need to do.

    Awesome stuff. I can’t wait to hear how they go.

    Best to you..and blessings,

  2. Like a two track through a field, the rut(s) slowly grow over, get fainter, but never quite disappear. A reminder for us. Holidays are the best days to make living amends as we can take the time needed to pay attention, real attention, to others., and live in the moment. Happy Easter.

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