It’s the thought process what’s broken. Irrational thoughts and delusions that warped my alcoholic spinning into a big cotton candy rationalization. I need to create unease to justify my actions for the next 4-5 hours. You can’t leave the house during the middle of a perfectly fine day with a, “Heading out for a bit. Was having a nice, fine day with you today, but I’m off. Need to go isolate and drink. Then when I come back, it will be just like we were before, only now I’m drunk.
Character Defects List: Paranoia
Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
“A man who tells lies merely hides the truth. But a man who tells half-lies, has forgotten where he’s put it.”
– Mr. Drydan, Lawrence of Arabia
I’m the half-lie one. After time, false justifications become truth, resentments encouraged. What do I think you know? What do you know? What’s really going on? Planning strategies. When will the veil be lifted and the truth, i.e, my greatest fears, reveal themselves so I can move on? Or escape. Whichever.
Paranoia is an emotion that screams for alcohol. Just quit thinking. My ego told me that if I wasn’t so smart, I’d be a peaceful, happy idiot. No, never! I’ll fight against the post-apocolypic advances that everyone else swallows gladly! I’ll dive on a sword made entirely of my own fears and twisted assumptions, if only to achieve make-believe martyrdom. It’s that or pure alcoholic crazy.
I’d like to think that I know when things are true and when things are false. That wasn’t the case before. Oh, I’d go along with the concensus, but I knew what was really happening.
There was always something really happening. And I wasn’t invited.
Now, thanks to this program, most of the time nothing is happening. Which is boring; normality, which leads to half-lies, then lies, then drinking. When I was active, there was always something happening. Nothing good, but it was happening. And I had invited everyone.
Today’s Reminder: I’m not that important. In a good way.