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If anger is at the end of my shortcomings road, then this one has to be at the starting line.

Character Defects List: Envy.

Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Subtle at first, subversive always, envy sneaks up on me. And, since it’s probably the defect that I’m most ashamed of, it’s also the one I ignore with bear-trap tenancity. Until it mutates into something more noticable. It’s  wish-fulfilment scenarios that can saturate my day without me realizing it. Like background television seeping in, taking gentle root in my wiring, making baby fussy.

Mutation one: Judgement. Of self. Only babys cry. Wishing is a weakness; a sign of unhappiness.
Mutation two: Jealousy. Of normals. Of their perceived “free and easy” walk through this life.
Mutation three: Anger. At self and others. Why can’t I? How come they?

Envy, I feel, is not a nip-it-in-the-bud-type shortcoming. Envy doesn’t actually walk down the road, like something I could catch early on. Envy stands near the starting line, against a pole, looking around. Whatever gets fixed in its gaze I become aware of, anamored with, and resentful at it; a tremor on such a low frequency only whales hear.

Envy requires dusting. Picking up and putting away. It’s a preemptive measure that, once again, can be treated with simple gratitude. There is no fairy godmother; the wand isn’t dropping.

It’s the wishful daydreams of today that become tomorrow’s cravings.

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