A lot of my time and energy is spent being miserable towards others in hopes that they will change their behavior. Seeking out things I cannot change and then fixating on them is the quickest way I know to be in perpetual spiritual agony.
I’m attempting a month of humility:
Humility simply requires a man to think of his abilities and his actions as no greater, and no lesser, than they really are. Real humility then mandates that a man knows and is completely honest with himself.
I’m putting quite a few things in that category, damning myself into stuck situations that keep me sick. I dwell. I ruminate. I create imaginary scenarios that feed my anxieties. Then I say to myself, “Well, it’s something you cannot change, so I guess you’re just going to have to live with it.” And when I work the program, and calm myself and see things as they really are, a small voice in my head says, “Yep, just keep blinding yourself. That’s exactly what they want.”
No way in, no way out.
My pride and ego are tired of the backseat. They are sick of accepting things they can’t change, and they want me to run; to have the courage to escape – to leave. Only by removing myself from the unlivable situation will I ever find peace.
Of course, that’s all insane bullshit. But it feels no less real to me than what’s actually going on. My pride and ego form a sauce that’s thick and sticky and adheres to the top of my brain like a wet comforter. I call that sauce “prego”. And while it might be good for pasta, it taste horrible on humble pie.
Mission for today: Trust in God. The big “G”. If there are people in my life actively trying to hurt me, deride me, or humiliate me, I need to turn all of them over to the care of God. For if I get stabbed in the back, the gash serves as tangible evidence that these people are not my friends; and I have the courage to change, because I now have permission.
It’s assuming that the stabbing is eventually going to come is where the misery lies.