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Break in the program: Just to be clear, I’ve gone through the 12 steps before. Twice. Once seventeen years ago (didn’t take), and again two years ago (kinda took). This is the third time through, and there will be many more run-throughs before I punch out (hopefully).

That’s the secret of the steps: they never end. There is no finish line. I’ll never be cured. It’s like diabetes; all you can do is manage it. And in this case, managing means doing the exact opposite.

Step Three:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

Today’s one of those days where I feel like nothing’s working. I’m not above getting served with a serious mental smack down. Why? Because I find something in my life unacceptable. And there can be no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. (That last sentence was cribbed).

My thoughts, both good and bad, true and untrue, create feelings. Feelings are real, I know what I feel, and my brain goes, “I’m feeling it, i.e., it’s fact.”

But. Feelings are not truth. It’s a jump from A to C, where “A” is my thought, “C” is my feeling, and “B” is my reaction to “A”. Sorry, I don’t have a diagram.

And “B” is often bullshit. It’s a filter that’s clogged with years of dust and dirt, misunderstandings and unrealistic justifications, paranoia and desperation.

My filter is much cleaner than it once was. Quite a bit of vinegar and water has been sprayed through, and for that I’m grateful.

But. Dust settles. Dirt accumulates. Darkness descends. And before I know it, I’m bouncing off the walls again. My controlling mind wants to keep it on the down-low, as it equates disturbance with failure. My self-will returns, and I find myself a squatter in B-flat.

To quote G.I. Joe: “Knowing is half the battle.” Great, thanks Duke.
What’s the other half? That’s what I’m working on. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion it’s got something to do with non-judgemental acceptance.

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